Thursday, April 9, 2009

Once Cute, Not Always Cute

So in driving around town the passed few days and just keeping my eyes open in general, I have noticed some stuff that needs outing.

I bet you thought this was going to be a blog about the way people look eh? Well surprise! It's not.. well it may be partially. I haven't written it yet so there is always the chance that something surprising will jump in, you never know. I am the gumbo of blogs. Whatever is around gets tossed in.

So, what I am really writing about is stuff that once was cute, when it was new. It was fresh and made you chuckle or smile 40 years ago but somehow, probably due to mass marketing or the like, is still around. Here are some examples in no particular order of annoying ex-cuteness.

1. Baby on Board Signs or Dolls. I mean, what the
hell is this garbage? One, it's not funny at all. OK, well maybe the first time you saw it you thought about smiling. Does that really count? Now you have a horrible thing hanging from your window. I suppose the purpose of this is two fold (other than an attempt at humor). One: To alert people that you are a parent. Two: To let people know to drive cautiously around you because there is a child in the car? What kind of malarkey is that? Are there monster truck driving lunatics out there who just randomly smash into and crush cars but when they see this stupid piece of plastic garbage hanging from your window they say to themselves , "Aw shucks Rusty Nail! They got a baby on board! Gonna have to leave em be! Now to murder the guy in front of them with the LSU sticker on his window." Am I , as a sane and competent driver, supposed to be like "Oh snap! A BABY on board!?!? Well by all means do whatever it is that you want in this traffic and we will all do our best not to collide into you and cause a horrible and tragic accident"? Let's be real, these things are not cute. They are, for lack of a better word, retarded. If you have this be ashamed, cane yourself, and take this crap out of your car. I think I'd rather hit someone with this in their window.

2. A kid with a mullet. I mean, a guy with a mullet is seriously dumb enough. Then you go and let a child have a mullet. This hairstyle was NEVER in. I don't care where you are from, but why are you forcing this on your child? Are you some sort of monster? The worst are the younger kids that don't really have a lot of hair so the mullet is very thin and wispy like they are some sort of genetic experiment. Please understand, your child looks like a freak. It is not cute at all. In fact, it's cruel because kids don't know they look an ass at school all day and their teachers are saying to each other "Oh look at that poor thing. His family must really live in the woods... and hate him." All it takes is for some other kid's dad (most likely someone like me) to see this kid and say "What the hell? That kid has a mullet! He looks like an idiot." Then the kid that hear that goes and makes fun of the kid with the mullet and pretty soon you have mullet kid hiding in a closet with a pair of scissors trying to rid himself of the mullet but all he will accomplish is to cut himself or cause his mullet to be even more hideous. If you or child have this haircut please either go to your nearest barber and tell them you are sorry you made them make you look like an A-Hole and you have come to your senses, or take your car with your baby on board sign and drive it into the nearest lake.

3. Capri Pants. I'm sorry ladies. Contrary to popular belief these are NOT cute. Here is the rule about Capri pants. If you do choose to wear these they cannot be the length of the ones I have pictured here. They have to at least just barely cover your knees. In other words, ALL of your calf has to show, otherwise you look like this lady does. If I didn't know what Capri pants were I would think this is Noah's wife and she got these at a pre-flood sale. I mean, seriously, these are so retarded looking every time I see a girl with them on I cringe. I want to run over to her and say "Are your shorts just really long or did you wash those pants in really hot water because if it's not either then I really don't see the point in you wearing those clown pants." If you own these, please make sure the length is appropriate because otherwise you will think you are dressing cute but really..I mean seriously... come on. LOOK AT THAT CRAP!

4. The Tramp Stamp. OK, as hot as you think you
are walking around town with your midriff showing I just picked up a newspaper and read this headline: "This Makes Men Think You Are a Whore". OK, I'm not saying if you have one of these that you are an Extra Crispy McSlutt Sandwich with extra Slut-Sauce. I'm just saying that's what we, as guys, are thinking/saying when we see this. Put aside the fact that it's just a really dumb place to get a tattoo... but if you are going to put ink under your skin that, for most purposes, is permanent, don't you think you should get something that has some meaning. A butterfly? A Heart? Some tribal mishmash of bull#$@? Why? Are you that in love with butterflies? You'd better have a house full of them fluttering everywhere to justify drawing one on your skin permanently! And the heart thing? I mean, am I supposed to go "Oh a heart! She must love.... stuff.. Hey Girl! You love stuff? Me too!" And the tribal crap really baffles me. "What is that?", I say as I point at some tribal design. "Oh", she replies, "That's a tribal design." It means nothing. So, if you already have one of these you are sorta stuck with a not cute thing on your lower back, but if you are thinking of getting one of these... DON'T! You'll just join the ever growing number of girls with a design that on their back that is going to look like a Rorschach test when they are 45.

5. Big fake chains. I know you think you are a gangster with your mouth full of metal and your earlobes drooping from all your "ice" but that ridiculous cracker jack prize you call "bling" makes me want to shove you into a wood chipper feet first. You aren't impressing anyone. We all know that crap is some nickel plaited bull crap that you bought from Omar the tent maker and his little jewelery stand in the mall. It was probably listed for 40 bucks but you got him down to 20 and now you and your No Limit Tank chain look really tough. If you could afford something this large that was made out of real precious metals and diamonds then you wouldn't be stepping out of a 1992 Impala with tin foil rims. Now get that P.T. Barnum chump chain outta our faces before we drag you into a real jewelery store in front of your crew and have them appraise your "bling" for the grand total of 10$. Meanwhile the manager is calling the cops.

In conclusion, if you want to look cute or have something cute a good way to determine if it fits the bill is to type it into google images and see what you get back. If you find a plethora of pictures ridiculing your chosen cute accessory or item, chances are you will look like an ass jacket if you go ahead with your plans. More to come as I stumble across more terrible ideas out there in the real world.. see ya then.


  1. Keep writing your blog! I laughed almost the whole way through. I am going to buy a baby on board sign now, so that those lunatic monster truck drivers will beware.

  2. Thank you for making me laugh! I needed it today! Miss you.

  3. Thanks. Take those clown pants off lol. I do have a baby on board thing in Janie's car though.