Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Trees and Flowers are Rude

OK, so while I am on this rude kick let's talk about trees and flowers. They are extremely rude. I'll explain why.

Spring. Everyone loves spring right? Supposedly love is in the air, the animals mate, people fall in love, the weather warms up, young co-eds go to Mexico etc etc. All of this is great! "Yay spring!" right?

Wrong! Dead wrong! (squinting like Clint Eastwood). Every spring when those lovely flowers and trees decide to stop being lazy, sleepy, no foliage, unphotosynthasizing sticks in the mud they release this lovely substance we call POLLEN. What the hell is their problem?

This horrible greenish yellow stuff floats through the air in what must be megatons in amount, coating every single thing in the entire WORLD!!! If you have a car you just washed or want to keep remotely clean, forget it, it's pollinated. Have a house or driveway you just power washed and want to look great? Nope, pollinated. Maybe you have a nice brown dog that stays in the yard most of the day... did I say brown dog? Oh, I meant yellow, sneezy, strange dog you've never seen before because now, yes, he's covered in pollen! Would you like to take a nice girl you just met on a romantic picnic? By all means! Do so! I just hope you like peanut butter and pollen sandwiches and I hope she thinks you are the sexiest man alive with your red, irritated eyes and sniffy, runny, snotty nose. Not to mention your inability to carry on a conversation because you keep sneezing and getting stung by the swarm of bees that thinks your new Diesel shirt must be the most amazing flower they've ever seen and it has so much pollen they are starting to build a hive around your face and neck.

Now, granted all of those effects of pollen are rude enough as it is, but let's actually think about the ultimate rudeness of pollen. Really, it doesn't get much more rude than this. The rudeness inherent in pollen is entirely related to what it is. Here, I'll give you a little dictionary definition courtesy of Wikipedia:

Pollen is a fine to coarse powder consisting of microgametophytes (pollen grains), which produce the male gametes (sperm cells) of seed plants. A hard coat covering the pollen grain protects the sperm cells during the process of their movement between the stamens of the flower to the pistil of the next flower.

So every year when it gets warm trees and flowers fall in love, and there are rainbows and hearts, horseshoes and balloons and they stretch their arms towards the sky aaaaaannnndd........ shoot sperm over every thing in the world. That's right, plants are just shooting sperm all over you, your mom, your dog, your dad, your kids, your house, your car, your girlfriend, your grandmother, your best friend, your pastor, everything that goes outside or remains there. This is not only horribly wasteful, but also really disgusting and yes, unequivocally rude! Screw you Greenpeace! I don't shoot sperm all over the trees!

What if other animals did this? Would we be so cavalier about it as we are about pollen? All we do now is take an allergy pill and say "man, the pollen really is bad this year isn't it?". What we are really saying is "man, the trees sure are shooting a lot of sperm every where aren't they?". What if cows did this every year so that they could impregnate other cows a few pastures over? I'm not going to describe what this would look like but just imagine. We would hate cows!! We would probably destroy every cow on earth!

So, when people complain about deforestation and how we need to save the trees... no. There are plenty of trees and I think it's only fair that we build things out of them, use them for whatever, or just burn them from time to time for their horrible inconsideration and uncouth way of fornicating.

The next time you are talking to your mom or girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, and they say something about how their allergies are acting up because of the pollen... run outside as fast as you can, find the nearest tree and give it a good solid chop with an axe. Because seriously... plants are rude.

Post 1. Fat People Are Judgemental

Okay, so I know that this is not the most heart warming and welcoming topic to begin my blog career off with but it's something that I wanted to talk about. Having said that; welcome to my blog! (Was that a correct use of the semicolon?)

So we always hear about how people are mean to fat kids in school. We've seen the Jerry Springer shows, the Maury Povich with the fat people who tell horror stories about the rude things people have said to them or even done to them simply because they are fat.

Well Ladies and Elephants, I am here to tell you it's a load of malarkey!

OK so I am sure those things do get said and I do not by any means condone being mean to people who are overweight, but there is an aspect that goes unsung here and I'm here to un-unsing it... or sing it... or bring it.. something.

I'm thin. I've always been thin, I will most likely always be thin. When I was growing up I was REALLY skinny. I just wasn't a bulky dude. I'm still skinny now but once I learned how to eat, how to work out, I became more muscular so instead of people on the beach running over to where I am laying and saying "Hey! Check this out! The tide uncovered some sort of bones... I wonder if these are from a dinosaur!?!" I now can turn a few heads. But that is not what this is about.

This is about those "fat" people who pick on skinny people. I can't tell you how many times I had big people make ridiculous comments to me (and some still do) about my weight. "You need to eat more! You are sooo skinny!" blah blah blah.. variations on that.

Here is my problem. I was very sensitive about my weight because I didn't want to be skinny. I wanted to be muscular. I never made fun of fat people, I've never cared if someone was fat (unless it was a friend and it was hurting their overall health) but for whatever reason some of the larger people out there make themselves feel better or perhaps normal by pointing out the thinness of others.

Here is a little something I've always believed to be true (and yes I understand that some people are genetically predisposed to become fat than others, but that doesn't mean that they are predestined to be fat). If I, someone who is genetically apt to stay thin no matter what I eat to a degree, and a fat person decided to live together. We decide that we are going to mutually eat healthy and work out so we both eat small healthy meals every day with each other at the same times. We also work out in some form or fashion every day and do cardio... you cannot tell me that the fat person is not going to lose weight. I'll let you in on a little secret, one I always scream at my television when one of those shows is on and some huge mother is crying because she says her huge daughter is just getting fatter and she doesn't know what to do.

Gaining fat, or muscle for that matter, is a math problem.
Calories. These are basically a measurement of energy in food. If you burn the food in a fire, it produces a certain amount of energy that is measured as calories.
So, if you are taking in food (or energy) and not using that energy then your body stores what it can't use or flush as , you guessed it, fat! So, to lose weight, you either start using more energy than what you are taking in (via exercise) or you cut the amount of energy you take in below the amount of energy you expend every day. Here, I'll whip up a little chart with the mathematical equation for you... ready?


There. Simple enough? The fastest way to not be fat would be to do both things I mentioned: lower your food intake AND up your energy expenditure. It's really that simple. No, I'm not talking about those stubborn love handles and how to target them, I am just addressing people who are fat in general and want to lose weight so they can stop telling skinny people how skinny they are.

So I can't tell you how many fat girls have said "Wow! You are so skinny! You need to eat something!" Now, society says there is nothing wrong with that. But if I turned around and said, "No, this is how a healthy human being is supposed to look. You need to STOP eating something because you are fat!" then I would be a huge (or skinny) jerkfaceheadpoopmouth-a-tron.

So, I think I've proven my point about fat people making fun of skinny people... I just hope this doesn't piss off all of the fat people because, at least in America, there are more of you than there are of me!

This brings me to a different point fat America. I see why you are fat. Whenever I am waiting in line (one of the rare occasions) at a fast food restaurant and you are in front of me ordering and you weigh 300 pounds... well, look I don't really care that you are fat, I don't. But I often wonder if you know that every single person in that building is wondering how the hell you think you have business to transact with that establishment. If I were McDonald's (and it wasn't illegal) I would have pressure plates and other mechanisms in the floor in front of the counter where you order that measure your weight and body fat percentage and if you are ridiculous something crazy happens. Like the whole counter spins around and there is a healthy McDonald's on the other side and you have to order from the tofu and beans menu and then to get to the fountain drinks a Jetson-like treadmill pops out of the floor and you have to run faster than it's moving to make headway towards your beverage.

OK that last part was ridiculous. Anyway, here is to my new blog!