Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Trees and Flowers are Rude

OK, so while I am on this rude kick let's talk about trees and flowers. They are extremely rude. I'll explain why.

Spring. Everyone loves spring right? Supposedly love is in the air, the animals mate, people fall in love, the weather warms up, young co-eds go to Mexico etc etc. All of this is great! "Yay spring!" right?

Wrong! Dead wrong! (squinting like Clint Eastwood). Every spring when those lovely flowers and trees decide to stop being lazy, sleepy, no foliage, unphotosynthasizing sticks in the mud they release this lovely substance we call POLLEN. What the hell is their problem?

This horrible greenish yellow stuff floats through the air in what must be megatons in amount, coating every single thing in the entire WORLD!!! If you have a car you just washed or want to keep remotely clean, forget it, it's pollinated. Have a house or driveway you just power washed and want to look great? Nope, pollinated. Maybe you have a nice brown dog that stays in the yard most of the day... did I say brown dog? Oh, I meant yellow, sneezy, strange dog you've never seen before because now, yes, he's covered in pollen! Would you like to take a nice girl you just met on a romantic picnic? By all means! Do so! I just hope you like peanut butter and pollen sandwiches and I hope she thinks you are the sexiest man alive with your red, irritated eyes and sniffy, runny, snotty nose. Not to mention your inability to carry on a conversation because you keep sneezing and getting stung by the swarm of bees that thinks your new Diesel shirt must be the most amazing flower they've ever seen and it has so much pollen they are starting to build a hive around your face and neck.

Now, granted all of those effects of pollen are rude enough as it is, but let's actually think about the ultimate rudeness of pollen. Really, it doesn't get much more rude than this. The rudeness inherent in pollen is entirely related to what it is. Here, I'll give you a little dictionary definition courtesy of Wikipedia:

Pollen is a fine to coarse powder consisting of microgametophytes (pollen grains), which produce the male gametes (sperm cells) of seed plants. A hard coat covering the pollen grain protects the sperm cells during the process of their movement between the stamens of the flower to the pistil of the next flower.

So every year when it gets warm trees and flowers fall in love, and there are rainbows and hearts, horseshoes and balloons and they stretch their arms towards the sky aaaaaannnndd........ shoot sperm over every thing in the world. That's right, plants are just shooting sperm all over you, your mom, your dog, your dad, your kids, your house, your car, your girlfriend, your grandmother, your best friend, your pastor, everything that goes outside or remains there. This is not only horribly wasteful, but also really disgusting and yes, unequivocally rude! Screw you Greenpeace! I don't shoot sperm all over the trees!

What if other animals did this? Would we be so cavalier about it as we are about pollen? All we do now is take an allergy pill and say "man, the pollen really is bad this year isn't it?". What we are really saying is "man, the trees sure are shooting a lot of sperm every where aren't they?". What if cows did this every year so that they could impregnate other cows a few pastures over? I'm not going to describe what this would look like but just imagine. We would hate cows!! We would probably destroy every cow on earth!

So, when people complain about deforestation and how we need to save the trees... no. There are plenty of trees and I think it's only fair that we build things out of them, use them for whatever, or just burn them from time to time for their horrible inconsideration and uncouth way of fornicating.

The next time you are talking to your mom or girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, and they say something about how their allergies are acting up because of the pollen... run outside as fast as you can, find the nearest tree and give it a good solid chop with an axe. Because seriously... plants are rude.


  1. I have crazy allergies so I feel your pain on the pollen tip.
    Jon Acuff

  2. Sir I do not know how many times we have discussed the issue of plants jizzing everywhere, but I do believe that you cannot stop talking about it until everyone realizes what is being done by these plants.

  3. ??????

    how in the world did Jon Acuff find your blog?! are you a government agent?!

    That guy is an internet legend!!! No, seriously, he's up there with Cake Wrecks.

    I am speechless.

  4. Did you jizz when Spring came around?